I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
