are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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