i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
