everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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