Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
