First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
