I cannot find my penis.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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