last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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