I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize