remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
