Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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