Your dad touched me again.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize