also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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