She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
