My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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