Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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