She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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