Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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