Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
