so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
