just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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