my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
