I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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