Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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