I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
