Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
