Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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