The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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