I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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