$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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