you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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