Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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