i think i have two assholes
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
