What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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