I just made out with a guy for $7.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
