Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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