you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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