Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
