Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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