Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
