Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
