worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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