I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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