Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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