just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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