You smell like a Billy Joel song
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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