Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
did i just pee glitter
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
