there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
