i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
its liver damage thursday
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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