The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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