If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
