Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
