my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize