yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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