i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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