Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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