So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
